Lawmakers to End Driver Distractions

Lawmakers from both sides of the aisle gathered at the capitol today as the governor signed a law that promised to end the surprising phenomenon of distracted drivers. The law, which goes into effect July 1st, explicitly prescribes how drivers should behave while behind the wheel of a motor vehicle. Drivers will no longer be allowed to exercise common sense when the law goes into effect. Lawmakers promised strict enforcement and hefty fines and penalties for anyone caught violating the law.

Surrounded by insurance company executives and personal injury lawyers, two groups that helped write the new law and funded its research, the governor declared it a brand new day in the state where citizens didn’t have to worry about being maimed, killed, or inconvenienced by distracted drivers. He congratulated the insurance executives for reducing vehicle accident risks to zero and praised the lawyers for being the de facto law enforcers through their proactive lawsuit endeavors.

In perhaps a bit of irony, one of the lawyers who was scheduled to attend the news conference was stuck in traffic due to the recent bridge collapse and called into offer his thoughts during the press conference. Talking on the phone while in a motor vehicle is strictly prohibited under the new law when it goes into effect. When asked about the apparent violation of the impending law, the governor scoffed that the law had yet to go into effect and that it didn’t apply to those conducting official state business. He refused to elaborate on exactly which provision of the new law provided such an exclusion and became irritable when pressed further. Later, in a tweet after the event, he reignited partisan sniping when he claimed the offending lawyer was a member of the opposing party.

Lawmakers and lobbyists had worked tirelessly for two years on the new law. At one point, they spent a week at a retreat in Barbados to reflect and redesign the law so that it would completely eliminate risks and put the onus on everyday citizens to prove that they are abiding by the law. After an unusual, late afternoon session that forced lawmakers to work until 3 PM, they hammered out the final details and declared victory for the decent citizens of the state.

The governor said he was pleased with the collaboration and unity surrounding the new law. “I’ve never seen lawmakers from both sides of the aisle work in such a spirited manner as they have these past two years. I hope we can put the usual animus behind us and build on this cooperation going forward. I’d also like to thank my campaign contributors in the insurance industry for fulfilling their promises and aiding lawmakers in their quest to make our state the safest in the country.”

An insurance industry executive exclaimed in a moment of elation at the otherwise moribund news conference that “it was time to make insurance about more than just assuming risk for the unpredictable things in our lives.” When asked why customers needed insurance now that the risks were so low, he replied, “Insurance is mandatory. The new law requires higher levels of insurance to ensure we can fund campaigns such as this to save even more lives in the future.”

Not to be outdone, two personal injury lawyers spoke at length about how they will be on guard to help any accident victims extract the maximum penalty from any driver who violates the law. “I like to think of myself as a law enforcement officer,” one proclaimed. Financial penalties are not capped under the new law, but lawyer fees are limited to 75 percent of the net award.

Under the new law drivers must keep their hands on the wheel at all times in the preferred ten and three o’clock positions. Cell phones, navigation screens, radios, food, cosmetics, pets, and children are no longer allowed in the vehicle while it is being driven. Head turning is strictly prohibited except in instances where the vehicle is turning, changing lanes, or backing up. Minimum fines start at $500 for violations and escalate from there. Citizens can lose their license after two violations and face prison time if multiple violations are discovered in one traffic stop.

The governor claimed he had unanimous citizen support for the new law because everyone was tired of being behind a distracted driver in traffic, but a citizen’s action group that protested silently with large, highly-inappropriate signs claimed that the law overshot its target and infringed upon the freedoms they had heretofore enjoyed. They plan a march on the capitol next week to force lawmakers to hear their concerns for the first time. It’s unclear if their actions will have any impact on the law before it goes into effect.

Automakers have bemoaned the law saying that it will prevent them from selling over-priced entertainment and navigation systems in their vehicles, but one industry executive said that they would divert their sales efforts to other accessories like the pet-kid cabin, which resembles a U-haul trailer. The accessory helps frazzled parents comply with the law by removing distracting kids from the car and putting them in a semi-unstable trailer hitched to the vehicle. Another popular accessory that is just hitting the market is the “wheel-cuff,” a device that locks the driver’s hands to the wheel in the law-abiding position. The wheel-cuff also monitors usage so that a citizen can prove they were following the law. Automakers are excited about the potential profit from such accessories despite losing the cash flow from now-banned items.

In perhaps the most poignant quote of the day, the governor’s chief of staff proclaimed that lawmakers had achieved the impossible in crafting and passing the new law. “I don’t think I’ve such a thing in my lifetime.” Similar sentiments were shared by those attending the news conference, but the context was slightly different.

 

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