I Think I Understand

Another Father’s Day has come and gone, the fifth one without my dad. The first year without him was really tough, and each successive year has been a stark reminder that I can’t call him and wish him a happy Father’s Day.

We’d have a lot to talk about right now. The Braves are playing great, but both of us know that getting too high on June baseball standings is like celebrating a win in the fourth inning of a game. You just don’t do it. We’d both agree we’d get more excited come September because the inevitable August swoon has killed many playoff hopes, especially for Braves fans. There aren’t many people who want to hear me drone on about the Braves, but Dad did. Our relationship was like that.

As the years have passed, I’ve tried to put my dad into the context of our lives together, to understand him on a level that I wasn’t necessarily capable of when he was alive. Looking back, the ending seemed so abrupt, like walking out in the middle of a conversation, but the truth is that I had the enviable luxury of saying goodbye. Most people don’t get that with their parents. Despite that luxury, it’s not any easier.

Dad was from a generation on the other side of the Baby Boomers. He went to work, came home to a meal that he expected my mom to cook, and often went to bed shortly afterwards. He was never a conversationalist. He didn’t spend much time with his sons outside of weekend errands and family visits. I have faint memories of him throwing the baseball with me and shooting baskets in our driveway on a few occasions, but once my brothers were old enough to do these things, Dad never joined us. He expected us to be quiet during his many naps on the weekend. I swear the man slept for half of my childhood.

I can remember being disappointed when Dad went to take a nap. I felt like he didn’t want to be around us. I didn’t understand it then, and maybe I don’t really understand it now, but I think Dad suffered from depression, and his way of dealing with it was to sleep it away. His life wasn’t exactly easy. He worked a dreary job for over 30 years, a job he hated but kept out of necessity to support his family. Even with the job, he was under constant financial duress, which is enough to drive anyone over the edge. The recession of the late 1970s and early 1980s left him unemployed for four years, and he never recovered from that. He had few choices in his life, nor did he have the drive to make the changes to get himself to a better place. He just curled up in his bed and hoped in vain that things would change or at least that his problems would magically go away.

After logging three decades as an adult myself, I can understand. Life likes to sucker punch you every once in a while. Disappointments outnumber wonderful surprises. It’s rare for things to turn out exactly how you envision them. It’s enough to make anyone want to crawl into bed and ignore the realities raining down on them. I personally prefer to punch back, and it bothers me that Dad never did. I can understand being down for the moment, but spending your entire adult life that way makes no sense unless you suffer from chronic depression.

Dad never discussed such things. He rarely let go of any emotion or opened up about how he felt or why he behaved the way he did. He never offered any explanation. To be fair, I never asked either. Those questions were too painful to speak out loud. There were times when I wanted to scream aloud my frustrations with him, but I bit my tongue. He was my father. I loved him dearly, and some lines you just don’t cross. Instead, I just try to understand and be thankful for what we had. Happy Father’s Day, Dad.

 

 

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