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The Biggest Dick

Every morning, I start my day in similar fashion. I stagger downstairs to pour myself a cup of coffee (it’s programmed to be ready by the time I get up) and make myself breakfast. Then, I get on my computer to read the news while I eat breakfast and enjoy that first cup of the day. My enjoyment usually ends there because the news cycle is a barrage of depressing and unflattering stories. I often have to flip over to Instagram to get some relief from the misery and idiocy. My Instagram feed is mostly of dog pages I follow. You can’t be miserable when you’re looking at puppies.

In today’s media circus, where anyone who can spell d-o-g can yell from any virtual corner without any substance of facts, it’s become apparent that we’re slowly devolving into a fight over who has the biggest dick. The social media one-upmanship is less about logic and reason and more about winning a pointless battle. I’m especially embarrassed for my gender because our behavior clearly shows we’re definitely not the brighter sex. We’ve become a bunch of wannabe men in the high school locker room bragging about how big our dicks are, and any threat to our exaggerated size estimates will set off a barrage of idiotic aggressive behavior similar to what you’ll see at the zoo when one of the male monkeys is threatened.

Nowhere has this become more evident than in our politics. There’s nothing more embarrassing than seeing an impotent, old man posture like he’s some young stud about to conquer the world. Our political discourse has really become like the locker room of some posh country club where a bunch of old fools cling to the supposed conquests of their youth inflating what remains of their flaccid egos. Instead of doing things, they’re talking about things, and of course, they’re bragging about who has the biggest dick as if that even matters.

I look at leaders like Jacinda Ardern, and I have to say it’s way past time to give the women their due. They can’t do much worse. At least they won’t be limited to arguments about the size of their members, nor will they overreact if their manhood is threatened. Ardern has proven cool and unshakable (literally in one recent incident) unlike the grunting and crotch scratching I often see on this side of the pond. It’d be nice to have a well-balanced discussion and a logical path to decision making, but maybe I’m asking for too much in a world dominated by shit-throwing monkeys. Surely, there are others out there who see this for what it is, or maybe this is just the dead-cat bounce of that idealism I possessed so long ago when I was young.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to break out the measuring tape. I’m going to settle an argument once and for all…

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