Millisecond

The lady in the pink shirt tried to kill me. Well, not really, but she was the last thing I saw when it happened, when my world upended to the screech of tires on worn pavement and the smell of burnt rubber. There, in the suspension of impossibly-slowed time, her pink shirt blotched my field of view like paint splattered onto a clean window. I don’t remember much beyond the abysmal and suffocating pink hue.

Earlier, pink was the furthest color from my mind. Blue, in fact, held my interest, as in a deep blue sky. Fall had arrived and, with it, the deepest, clearest blue sky I had seen in a while. The haze of an exasperated summer had lost its tenuous grip on the city and slowly waltzed out of town like a spurned lover. In its wake, a comforting breeze rifled through the still-green leaves of equidistant trees planted along the wide sidewalk. The starkly blue sky cut an outline around the tall trees and the block buildings that rose even higher. The city sighed in relief and basked in the relative chill of the changing season.

Red blasted my senses. A coppery taste filled my mouth, warm and unsavory. I coughed, but instead of a forceful exhale of unneeded air, I wheezed like a balloon with a tiny leak. A dark red covered my hands and my arms. The red lights flashed on the street beside me. A red bag rested next to me. A woman wailed in a red anguish.

White crept into my vision, blotting out the red like a rising tide slowly engulfing the sand on the beach. It receded and brightened, and I could hear the ocean even though I was nowhere near it. Then, as if someone had entered the dim room and flipped on a bright light, the white was all I could see like a flashlight aimed at my face. It felt warm and inviting, not unlike the blue sky I had seen earlier. My inner eye fluttered, shutting and closing like a squeaky swinging door until in came to a final rest. I wondered why the lady in the pink shirt had wanted to kill me as my thoughts fluttered into the slight breeze and the silence slowly engulfed me.

 

Act III Coming Soon (Too Soon)

In a few weeks, I’ll turn 48 years old. I’m rapidly closing in on the half-century mark. Let the records show that this is happening against my will and without my approval, but so it goes. Yes, I realize that age is just a number and that 50 is the new 40 and all that other bullshit that we tell ourselves to not feel shitty about the onslaught of time, but let’s be real; it sucks.

As a writer, I can’t help but view life in the form of a story, a very long, and often boring one, but a story nonetheless. The typical story has three acts, and since the life expectancy of the average male in this country is around 76 years old that puts each act at about 25 years, so in that perspective, I’m closing out Act II very soon. It’s a very sobering realization.

I’ve spent the last few months thinking about this and what it means. When I began Act II, if you will, I could only faintly hear the tick-tock of that eternal clock. Quite frankly, I just ignored the damn thing. I had more time than anything, so what did I care. The arc of the story in Act II is all about the long runway of possibilities, which seem infinite. Looking back, I realize I was more than a little careless. I wasted time on things that didn’t matter, engaged people who ultimately didn’t matter, and allowed myself to lose focus.

The problem is entropy. In general, everything migrates toward disorder, especially if you’re not paying attention. Life gets away from you because of the distraction created by the creeping disorder that surrounds you. The next thing you know a decade has zipped by and you haven’t accomplished what you set out to do, or things simply haven’t turned out the way you expected them to (and whether you like it or not, it’s your fault; blaming others is a fool’s errand). The image of trying to herd cats comes to mind. Some of my cats have long since wandered down the street. It’s more than a little disappointing.

But there’s nothing like an artificial milestone to raise the cackles of discontent. A slight shuffling suddenly becomes a full-on sprint. Half-shut eyes spring open in surprise. It gives a certain clarity that may have been lingering in the background waiting to be called into action. I’ve always done my best work on a tight deadline. I hate this about myself, but it’s true. Give me more time than I need and entropy rears its ugly head. Tell me I have only an hour to do a five-hour task and I can part the seas to find the path to redemption. Well, Act III is the ultimate deadline, and there’s no better time than now to re-focus, re-energize, and reassert myself in my own story.

I’m going to start by removing all distractions, those things that allow entropy to take hold. I’m going to double-down on my life goals that I haven’t achieved yet (one of those goals is getting a book published). While I can’t reclaim the time I’ve wasted, I will be more careful with the time I have. This story isn’t done yet.

 

The Hill at the End

On Sunday, I ran a marathon in the rolling hills of West Virginia at the home of West Virginia University in Morgantown. I see why the WVU mascot is called the Mountaineers. The further east you go on the main thoroughfare through the town the more it drops off a cliff. That same street happens to be the last mile of the Morgantown Marathon. I’m sure the guy who set up this race had the best intentions (the net proceeds from the race go to benefit U.S. veterans) but he also has a sadistic streak because who puts a steep hill at the end of a marathon?

To be fair, it would be impossible to run a race through Morgantown and not have a hill on the course. The town is wedged into an outcrop of the Appalachian mountains, which are not as beautiful and dramatically rugged as the Rockies but they certainly aren’t lacking in steepness. This particular course featured 2,000 feet of elevation gain over the 26 miles. It was enough to make even the most experienced runner quiver in his sweaty running shoes.

Going into this race, I knew it’d be a challenge. In addition to the hills, the weather didn’t look too favorable. The “low” temperature was predicted to be 69 degrees Fahrenheit, while the high was forecast near 80 degrees with mostly sunny skies. Such temperatures may be ideal for a run-of-the-mill day out on a Sunday, but for running a race, these temps were closer to dangerous than favorable. I had never been more thankful for cloud cover than I was when I walked out of my hotel on Sunday morning. It was slightly cooler than expected, and those clouds stayed around for most of the race. It was still hot for running, but not as bad as I had expected.

Before the race I had reviewed the elevation map of the course in disbelief. I didn’t see how I was going to run the whole race and still finish. Hills chew through a lot of energy, something that must be managed carefully over a race the length of a marathon if you hope to finish. If you’re not careful, you’ll hit the proverbial wall sooner than later on such a course. I was prepared to walk, if necessary, when I encountered the biggest hills. It’d be better to recover than run out of gas before I finished the race.

Early in the race, I felt particularly strong. I settled into third place behind two stronger runners and held that pace until I hit the biggest hill on the course. At that point, when I looked at the long climb ahead, I pulled up and began to walk. I used the time to consume some food and pounded my way up the hill at a good walking pace. Only a couple of runners passed me. Before I crested the hill, I began to run again feeling refreshed and reinvigorated after my brief respite.

After that big hill, all of the others seemed illegitimate as if their status as hills had been revoked. I cruised through the next few miles and even managed to catch one of the runners who had passed me. The race was going extremely well. The stretch of miles 23 and 24 were along a river trail and were as flat as could be. I felt great despite having crossed the 20-mile point. At mile 25 I grabbed some water as I ran by the mile marker and turned the corner in the last stretch of the race. That’s when I saw the obstacle that stood between me and the finish – the hill from hell.

Almost the entire final mile of the race was up hill. Not only was it a steep climb, but it was completely exposed to the sun as there were no trees on either side of the road. By this time in the race, most of the clouds had burned off and the temperature hovered in the 70s. Seeing and feeling this felt like being squashed under a giant boot. I pulled up and began walking again. The finish line would have to wait.

Before I crested the hill at mile 26, I began running again. The finish was slightly downhill, so I let gravity give me a hand. My time was still a respectable 3:17 despite the walking. Having conquered the course, I felt good. This wasn’t a course for personal bests.

That hill at the end was a real bummer even though I knew it was there before the race started. I couldn’t help but draw a parallel between the race and writing. There seems to always be a big hill at the end when it comes to finishing a novel, and I don’t mean completing the novel itself. The hill is perfecting it or getting it to the point where it’s ready to go beyond the draft phase. It seems insurmountable, but it requires focus even if that means slowing down and taking much longer than I’d prefer. That walk to the finish can be maddening, but it’s worth it when you cross the finish line.

Living, Not Existing

My daughter and I had a great discussion this weekend, one of many that we’ve had over the years. I sometimes forget she’s only 13 until I put her and her brother in the same room. It started with an article about the 76-year-old who recently completed the Western States 100 trail race in under 30 hours becoming the oldest finisher of the grueling race. It’s a feat when a young person completes the race, but for a septuagenarian it’s downright miraculous. I can only admire the man and his determination, but mostly, I respect that he’s living life vs. simply existing.

This gets the crux of the conversation that I had with my budding philosophic teenager. One of the my favorite aphorisms that I’m constantly repeating to the kids is that if you’re not challenging yourself, you’re not growing. There’s a corollary to this that I don’t share, and that’s if you’re not growing, you might as well be dead. I save that morose offshoot for myself because, let’s face it, I don’t want to depress the kids; I just want them to make the most of their talents (and move out and get off the parental dole), but there’s a whole lot of truth to that corollary.

I see it all the time – people who are just there floating in space like a jellyfish waiting for something to happen to them rather than making things happen for themselves. They’re quick to bemoan the perception that they’re a victim of some unseen force and slow (if ever) to see how their lives are a collection of their own decisions. This gets to another aphorism that I push onto my kids: you are the result of your own decisions. Don’t blame anyone or anything else; it just makes you look dumb. It’s safe to say I don’t adopt the jellyfish persona.

During our conversation about the oldest finisher in Western States history, my daughter said, “that sounds like something you’ll be doing when you’re that age in a few years.” I forgave her for conflating 30 years into such a short time frame. While I don’t know if I’ll ever want to attempt the Western States, I do know that I will never get to the point of sitting around and waiting to die, and that’s really all simply existing is. I don’t understand that mentality. As long as I wake up each morning, I’m going to make the most of it. I’m certainly not going to waste time doing pointless things, staring into space without a meaningful thought in my head, or imagining all of the terrible things that could happen should I try to live my life.

If my kids are clear on anything, it’s that my wife and I intend to make the most of the the years ahead. They’ll be lucky if they can keep up with us. We’ll become a veritable game of Where’s Waldo once they move out. I have no intention of allowing the moss to grow under us. Life must be lived. Simply existing isn’t an option for me. Now, about that Western States race…

 

Mr. Big Nose

Several years ago, my family and I lived in China for a while. A job opportunity landed us in Beijing as I had taken an expatriate assignment with my employer at the time. There’s nothing more challenging from a personal and professional perspective than plopping yourself in the middle of a very different culture, especially if you don’t speak the language. The trials and tribulations of everyday life felt overwhelming at first, but gradually, we adjusted. You can’t grow if you don’t challenge yourself, so it’s safe to say, we grew a lot those three years. I learned a lot about myself, the most of important of which is that I have a big nose.

I’d never really regarded my nose as particularly large. Growing up, when I looked around me, everyone had similar-sized noses, so I never ascribed much stature to my nose. Sure, I saw some people who were considered to have rather large noses that were described as hawk-like, maybe in an admirable way, or elephantine, in an unkind way, but these folks were the exceptions rather than the rule. My nose was rather pedestrian. I could easily see around it, and in fact, I had to angle my eyes inward quite a bit to even see it without looking in a mirror. When I did use a mirror, I often looked straight on into it rather than at a profile, so I didn’t pay particular attention to my out-sized snout.

Just as it’s hard to see crutch words (can you find them in this post?) in your writing, it’s difficult to see aberrant personal features when you’re surrounded by similar people. Drop yourself into a different culture and suddenly those features stand out like a black sheep in a flock of white ones. In China, my prodigious beak looked like I could audition for the main role in Pinocchio. It became readily apparent, oddly enough, when my time there was nearly finished. As a goodbye gift, I received a caricature statue of my family from my coworkers. As is common with caricatures, they exaggerate the most prominent features of their subjects. The tiny statues of my wife and kids looked pretty normal, but when I saw mine, I was struck by how it looked like a tiny person attached to a giant nose.

It’s easy to laugh at the statue as an overwrought exaggeration of a heretofore unknown physical abnormality, but it also drives home the importance of perspective, which is something that makes writing (and reading for that matter) so interesting and enjoyable. As a writer, I get to step into someone else’s perspective and try it on for size. I attempt to see the world through his or her eyes. It doesn’t mean I get it right, but for once, I step outside my own view of the world and look at it in a different way, and much like the challenge of adapting to a very different culture, it helps me grow, and hopefully, it helps my readers grow. That’s the true value in a good story. It expands the mind beyond what is merely possible by being who and where you are. That’s the kind of growth I like, the kind unrelated to my snout.

Postscript: Only my wife can call me Big Nose. To everyone else, it’s Mr. Big Nose.  

For the Thrill of It

The summer vacation season has come to an end, and I wrapped it up with my daughter as we spent a few days at Cedar Point, an amusement park jam-packed with thrilling roller coasters. Not only was this a chance to relive a few moments from my own childhood when I traipsed through an amusement park with my cousins, it was also an opportunity to have some valuable one-on-one time with my oldest child, who isn’t really a child anymore. In between the rides and bites of what amounts to nothing more than carnival-style food, we chatted about anything and everything from TV shows to books to life in general.

As the kids get older, I can feel time slipping away. Their orbit around my wife and me is expanding and the gravitational pull that once held us tightly together has weakened. They are finding their own path, slowly but surely, and it no longer depends on us. In many ways, this is rewarding, but in other ways, it’s sad, an end of a phase of our lives that we never thought would end. When you have kids, you throw your whole being into it. You give yourself up entirely. The love you feel for them is all-consuming. It’s like running a long race that you can never finish.

So, I try to find ways to reconnect, to relate, knowing that it will fall short because the relationship between parents and teenagers is meant to be angst-filled, a dramatic, slow-motion removal of a sticky bandage. My kids are very different from each other and relating to them requires different approaches. My son is testing out his masculinity, expressed through mindless video games that I no longer get, but I listen to him prattle on about them even if it doesn’t resonate just to hear the sound of his voice. My daughter, cerebral and wise well beyond her years, requires a different approach. We bond over books, writing, running and solving the injustices in the world. Her thoughts and conversations can be very deep, but sometimes, I get a glimpse of the little girl I once knew when I see her watching Moana on her phone.

Many years ago when my daughter was much younger, we were at Disney World, and she had just passed the height requirement to ride Space Mountain. That ride happens to be the first ride I ever rode at Disney World, and while it’s not particularly strenuous by today’s thrill ride standards, it’s aggressive for a young kid. I was worried about how she would handle the ride, but she was so gung-ho about it and so excited to ride a big kid roller coaster that I couldn’t say no, so we rode it together. She sat behind me in the ride, and the whole time I kept my hand on her leg both to comfort her and me. At the end of the ride, she practically giggled with delight. She enjoyed it so much, and I enjoyed it, too, more so because of the sheer joy it brought to her. I bought the in-ride picture they took of us on the coaster to commemorate the event. In the picture we’re both smiling from ear-to-ear and her wild hair flutters in her wake. It’s how I always picture her as a little girl, my little daredevil.

A few years later, I took her to Six Flags outside Los Angeles on a daddy-daughter trip, and we spent the whole day riding some serious roller coasters including Goliath. She was fearless, tackling each ride with the gusto that made me proud. Hearing her squeal with excitement and react in amazement at what she just did made my day. I’ll never forget the look on her face as we careened around corners on Goliath, an expression of youthful fearlessness and hesitant excitement. With each return to a coaster terminal, she expressed her desire to do it again. Daredevil indeed.

As such, it seemed only fitting that we’d return to our shared love of thrill rides one more time this past week. We descended upon Cedar Point late Saturday afternoon expecting a packed house, but we happened upon a lull in the crowds because the weather had been suspect. We managed to ride almost all of the coasters in a five-hour span starting with Wicked Twister and ending with The Raptor. As we walked out of the park that first night, the adrenaline still pumping from all of the rides, we talked about what we’d ride the next day. I caught a glimpse of that little girl I remember so well from Space Mountain. She’s changed a lot since then, but some things never change.

Volcanic Kick

I think I have an obsession with volcanoes. One of my favorite (and hardest) runs I’ve ever done was around Mt. St. Helens (it took over eight hours). Two years ago, we went on vacation to Yellowstone and learned about the volcanic activity there in a wonderful guided tour, and just this month we went on a cruise in the Mediterranean that included not one, not two, but three volcanoes. I’m not even mentioning the fact that my current writing project centers around an ill-fated hike up the side of Mt. St. Helens. Some may think I’m a little obsessed. I’m not sure how this happened, but I have to admit, I’m amazed by the sheer power and earth-changing force of volcanoes. I find them infinitely interesting.

Seeing volcanoes, per se, wasn’t the purpose of our cruise, which was more focused on being in the Mediterranean during the summer than any single landmark, but one can barely think about the beauty of the southern coast of Europe without acknowledging the impact of volcanic activity.

We started our cruise from Piraeus, a port city outside Athens, Greece. From there we sailed to Santorini, an island in the Aegean Sea that is a remnant of the great Minoan Eruption over 3,600 years. Historians theorize that the eruption eliminated the Minoan civilization and gave birth to the legend of Atlantis, the lost city under the sea. What is left almost four millennia later are the stunning cliffside towns of Oia and Fira and a vast, deep lagoon as picturesque as any I’ve seen.

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Oia as seen from Nea Kameni

The lagoon fills the caldera of the once-great volcano and measures 400 meters deep, which gives an idea of how massive the eruption must have been. I can only imagine the destructive power of the eruption given the size of the rock that had to be expelled to create this beautiful chain of islands in the Aegean Sea. All that remains today are the islands at the edge of the caldera and the emerging cone in the middle (the islands of Nea Kameni and Palaia Kameni).

We took a small boat to Nea Kameni and hiked to the top for views of Oia and Fira from across the lagoon. From this amazing vista I snapped many photos of the whitewashed walls of the buildings that looked like they were carved into the top of the ragged coastline. Nea Kameni is uninhabited, but it has a treasure trove of volcanic information. Volcanologists have installed sensors at the top to keep tabs on the volcano, and even the layman can see evidence of its grumbling with fumeroles that emit a warm stream and sulfur-stained rocks that look like someone had spilled their banana milkshake on them.

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The view atop Nea Kameni (also called New Burnt)

After a fun-filled day in Santorini and a brief stop in Kotor, Montenegro, we set sail for Sicily and a visit to Europe’s most-active volcano, Mt. Etna. Etna erupted for the first time over 500,000 years ago and has remained active since including very recently in March 2017.

We anchored in the port of Messina (near the point where Italy’s boot meets Sicily) and took a two-hour bus ride to Mt. Etna. We made it to about 2,000 meters up the 3,300-meter mountain before we pulled off at an obvious tourist stop and hiked around the Silvestri crater. The land and climate on Etna stood in sharp contrast to the crowded, hot streets of Messina. As far as the eyes could see were layers of black and burnt brown soil and a landscape broken up by swirls of ragged volcanic rock and verdant streaks. The temperature dropped about thirty degrees (Fahrenheit) as well. The desolate and lonely landscape simmered atop the fierce power beneath our feet, which was both awe-inspiring and thrilling, if not a little scary.

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Silvestri Crater on Mt. Etna

After enduring the bus ride back to Messina with a gaggle of loud pre-teens, we hopped back on the boat and headed to Naples. While Naples itself is exciting (they invented pizza here!), we took another bus ride (this one much shorter) to Pompeii to visit the city buried under volcanic ash. Mt. Vesuvius loomed overhead as we approached the ancient city giving its best Cheshire Cat grin in the gleaming sunlight. It had been almost 2,000 years since it unleashed its fury on the unsuspecting residents of Pompeii.

With summer sun bearing down on us, we followed our guide through the gates to the ancient city. What we found was much more than an archaeological dig, although there is plenty of that going on. The sprawling complex covers more than 170 acres and the uncovered portion reveals an amazing artifact of life back around 79 A.D. complete with a theater, bath houses, store fronts, and homes. We walked on the original cobblestone streets and ogled the intricate artwork on ceilings and floor tiles all within the shadow of Vesuvius.

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The ruins of Pompeii (the museum in the top right was built on top of the ruins before the excavation, which gives an idea of how much has been excavated).

After Pompeii we bid farewell to the European volcanoes and boarded our ship to our final port in Barcelona. We were able to learn more details about a history that was vaguely familiar to us, but most importantly, we were able to see firsthand the awesome earth-changing power of volcanoes. Now, I just have to finish my novel that features a certain North American volcano. Someday. Hopefully before it erupts again…